Tag Archives: teenagers

To be Transformed

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My daughter Emma Katherine Roey, now Emma Buchheim, lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story.  Emma and her husband, Tyler Buchheim now live in California where Emma sells insurance.  Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.

EmmaFundraiser

Emma helping with a Fundraiser for the Dog/Cat Rescue

Transformed

A few months ago, I ran into a couple of people (separately) I hadn’t seen in quite some time. One, was a young woman, Emma’s age, who knew Emma as a teen, and she said to me, “How’s the Demon child?” I laughed and we talked for a bit, not about Emma, but just catching up.

That same week, I ran into another person who’d known Emma, who asked something along similar lines as the “demon child.” I kept thinking about how it just seemed funny that I ran into two people I hadn’t seen in years and they both asked about Emma in the same way, joking about the awful things she’d done. Both of these people liked Emma when they knew her, but they just didn’t believe Emma’s tales of abuse.

A short time later, I heard from an old friend that Emma and I went to our “small group” with, and I hadn’t seen her in 4 or 5 years. She asked about Emma, and I told her what I knew and she said she would pray that Emma’s heart is transformed.

What a sweet thought. If Emma only knew how many people have prayed for her. Can Emma’s heart be transformed? Can Emma be healed? If you have faith, you believe that God can change someone’s heart. It does happen. It has not happened in the time I wished for it to happen. It may not happen in my lifetime.

Now, if you know me, you know I believe there is something very wrong with Emma. I would like to NOT believe this. I would like to think there’s still hope that my daughter will grow up and stop being the victim. I would like to think Emma will take some responsibility for her actions. I would like to think we raised her better, and that Emma will stand up, admit her wrongs, and we could all move forward, but Emma is too tangled in her web of deceit. Things have gone too far. There are too many people that Emma would have to face if she told the truth now. There are too many people that would have to know Emma was not who she pretended to be.

If you’ve ever worked with the public, you start to notice that there’s probably a whole lot of undiagnosed mental illness out there. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard someone (who works with the public) talk about this “crazy customer” or that “crazy client,” etc. And some folks believe we are all just a little bit crazy in some way or another. Some of us just hide it better than others. I would like to believe that Emma could quit her acting and grow up, but in all honesty, I’m not very optimistic.

All of this makes me very sad for Emma. She’s a young married lady, and her whole marriage is based on lies. She lied to Tyler about who she is and lied to his family to get them to take her in. She played the poor victim who wasn’t safe living at home alone while her dad was on over-the-road truck driver for UPS, so she got the Buchheim, and in particular, Tyler’s grandparents, the Knopp family, to welcome her into their home in Ohio. Who couldn’t feel sorry for this poor young thing, a victim of sexual abuse and physical abuse. Emma needed to be taken care of, and she was so sweet and charming, that everyone loved her.

As a mother, you want to see your daughter grow up and be an adult, and Emma is certainly and adult now, married, and working, but her whole life is based on lies. She knows it, and I know it, and anyone else who figures it out will be cut out of Emma’s life because that is what she does. Emma is like the drug addict who can’t kick the habit. They can be wonderful and charming when they’re clean, but then they fall back into their old habits. Some of them do make it out of the abyss, and are able to put the past behind them, but many aren’t and just keep repeating the same pattern again and again.

Raising Emma, I knew I made a lot of mistakes as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, in all my roles as a failed human being, but I truly understand that life is a journey, and I’m still on that journey. I always thought that with whatever mistakes we made, Phill and I were still doing something right with Emma. I looked around at all the messed up kids in the world, grateful that that wasn’t my kid. My kid was doing ok. She was going to be just fine. She was smart and talented and could do whatever she wanted to in life. We gave her a stable, loving home, and a good basic education, that she could be whatever she wanted to be. I knew the odds weren’t that Emma would actually go to medical school (specifically YALE) like she talked about for years, but I always believed that if Emma wanted to become a doctor, she could. I never imagined what kind of things were going on in Emma’s head. We knew she lied, but we thought they were just typical childhood fibs, and we had no idea that Emma’s lying was growing in such a way that they were out of control.

One of the things that makes me sad is Emma’s marriage to Tyler Buchheim. It seems like starting off a marriage with so many lies gives a foreboding prediction of Emma and Tyler’s future. The lies will accumulate and Tyler will realize that the marriage is one big lie. As Emma’s mom, I want to smack her on the rump (but not in any child-abuse kind of way) and tell her to sit down with her husband and get this all straightened out so they can get the marriage on the right footing. Tyler is not a dummy. He went to Notre Dame for gosh sakes. I know he’s young and in love, but he’s going to figure this out sooner or later. Being a good Catholic, I wonder if Tyler would get the marriage annulled based on fraud? Come on, Emma, save your marriage before it’s too late. But, alas, I’m just the long distance mom and have no power. As always, Emma’s going to do what Emma’s going to do. Or, as a friend so aptly put it, “She’s made her bed, and she’s going to keep lying in it.” (Get it?)

I know I joke, because humor is what gets you through, or at least it does for me, but I pray for Emma daily, and who knows? Maybe her heart will be transformed one day. Maybe she will be the young woman I always thought she could be. I want to tell Emma, “You’re better than that, Emma.” but, sadly, I’m not sure she is. I would like to think so, and maybe one day she will be, but I’m so sad for who she is right now. I have no power but to tell her story.

Someone recently posted this clip from Rocky’s inspirational speech to his son on Facebook, and it reminded me of Emma. Enjoy:

The Husband – The Gift That Keeps on Giving, Part 2

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If you are new to this blog, you may want to read the posts “In a Nutshell” or go to July 2012 and read “Sending out a Letter.” My daughter Emma Katherine Roey, now Emma Buchheim, lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story.  Emma and her husband, Tyler Buchheim now live in California where Emma sells insurance.  Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.

 

The Husband – The Gift That Keeps Giving, Part 2

So, in going through some of my things, I noticed it was just small personal things. Mostly a lot of junk I don’t want now like lots of clothes and books.  Phill gets to decide what is mine and what isn’t.   Phill had already told me I couldn’t have the desk he gave me for my birthday one year. I couldn’t have any furniture or anything else because I didn’t take it immediately. (I was still stupid enough to think that Phill would come to his senses and do the right thing, even after the divorce.)

I emailed Phill and mentioned a Wolf print by Carl Brenders that we had hanging over our fire place. It was either 1991 or 1992 that Phill got it for my birthday. We’d gotten some fall catalogs, and I saw this print and loved it. A close friend had some smilar wolf prints, and I’d always admired hers.

Carl Brenders

Phill was going to surprise me with the print for my birthday, but the UPS man kind of ruined it. (Those darn UPS men! They ruin everything. Even their marriages!) I came home from work, and the print was leaning up against the garage. Phill had beat me home from work, thinking he would be there to get the print, if it came that day, and hide it before my birthday. He was upset the the UPS man had just left it there and never rang the bell, so I got to open up my birthday present early.

Then, after lugging through some of the stuff in the storage unit, I found some things that were in my closet, but not some photo albums that I had. Since Phill had threatened to block my texts some time ago (2 or 3 years, I think?) I’d never texted him since, but since I was sitting here with my phone, I thought “What the heck.” and texted him a message:

“Just wondered what you did with our wedding photos?”

About 30 minutes later, I got this e-mail:

I failed to renew the block on your number, I have fixed that. I have never been afraid to face you, but you showed me that was pointless early on.

If you want the wolf print I will put it in the storage unit Friday. It was not a birthday present but a joint anniversary present. You can also have the wedding album if you want it. This is the last of things you will get. I tried repeatedly for years to get your things, and you chose not to.

Let me know,

Phill

 

Failed to renew the block on my number? What does that mean? I thought once you block someone, that’s it. They are blocked. Ok, whatever. Technology is not my forte.

Phill used to save all our receipts, so I thought he probably still had them. He had files and files crammed with old statements, bills, etc. When I emailed back and said he might want to check the credit card statements, I got this message from Phill:

 

Fine, If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. I don’t think I am and you know the receipts are long gone. Please just answer the question.

 

Boy do we have different memories!! I know that’s true for everyone. The brain does funny things.

It’s not really the wolf print I want to talk about though. Phill gave it to me, and it was mine, but I considered it “ours” and if Phill wants to keep it, along with everything else, he might as well have that too. Even though he offered it to me, if he treated the print like he’s treated the rest of my things, I wouldn’t want it anyway, so please just keep it and take care of it. Since our 34th anniversary is coming up, he can have it as an anniversary gift, or it can be a wedding gift for him and Kim Chassion.

What is interesting to me is the tone of Phill’s emails. Now, I’ll admit, I loved my husband. I didn’t want a divorce. He broke my heart and let our 17 year old daughter take over my role as woman of the house while he went off gallivanting, playing with toy air planes and drinking with his beer buddies. (No, nothing incestuous, just that Emma started acting like the wife doing the shopping, cooking, taking care of the pets, going out with her dad, etc. I joke about Emma was Phill’s 2nd wife and Kim will be his 3rd.) It has taken me 6 years to be able to write about Phill. I was so heartbroken that I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even talk about the divorce for a few years. It was too painful. I had my close friends, but when others would ask me, I would say I was divorced and leave it at that. I just couldn’t say anymore. And, part of me believed that my husband would eventually do the right thing. I know Phill well enough to know his weaknesses, and he just can’t face the truth, even 6 years later.  I have survived, however.

 

Emma had to cut me out of her life because she knows I know the truth, so it’s a lot easier to say to people that she was abused by her horrible mother because her mother isn’t there to speak up. That’s ok. That’s part of Emma’s personality, whether you want to call it a personality disorder or mental illnes or whatever. It is just who she is, a perpetual victim.

 

So anyway, a couple of things I thought were interesting in Phill’s e-mails were his tone. I’ve contacted him once by text in the past few years, and he got so upset, he got that “fixed.” Really? One text from you ex-wife is such a harassment that you have to put a block on? Ok, so sorry to have upset you so deeply, dear husband.

The other thing I thought was interesting was Phill’s “pointless” comment. It was pointless to deal with your wife, so you have your wife thrown out of your home. It was pointless to stand up to your 17 year old daughter who manipulated you into doing her bidding. It was pointless to get your family into therapy to figure out what was going on. After finding out your daughter’s friend wasn’t raped and didn’t attempt suicide, so there went Emma’s excuse for her “repressed memories,” it was pointless to look into Emma’s story. After finding out Emma was claiming her mother had poisoned her with DDT and claimed to have a pathology report to prove it, it was pointless to discuss this with your wife, let’s just let Emma go on her merry way, telling lies wherever she goes.  (Poor Tyler.  I’m really hoping he can be the man that Emma is going to need him to be, or does he take after his dad, Robert, whom Emma described as a “wimp?”)

Anyone that’s been married a while knows that it’s not always easy. Sometimes you have to choose to work things out, but for my husband, it was pointless, and he chose to throw away his wife instead. For the almost 27 years of our marriage, I will say it was pretty easy. We got along well, loved each other, and loved our life together. We didn’t face too many difficulties, so maybe that’s why Phill fell apart when we had such a big one. I tend to think our problems multiplied by first Emma’s issues, and then when Phill couldn’t handle things, he went into a midlife crisis instead of choosing to man-up and deal with it. He let Emma take over, and she was in charge.

I was telling a friend about Phill’s recent emails, and she said, “Me thinks the husband doth protest too much!” (And I have to apologize to my 12th grade English teacher, Miss Kimball. I heard that and at first thought Macbeth, but that was actually Hamlet! It’s been a long time since I read Shakespeare!  Oh, how I remember working so hard to memorize that Hamlet Soliloquy!) I don’t think Emma has a conscience, and I’ll write more about that along with some examples at some point, but I do think Phill does. He has a conscience, but he doesn’t have much of a backbone. I had to be the disciplinarian with Emma, the bad guy, and when faced with Emma’s threats of “If you make me see mom, I’ll run away.” Phill couldn’t deal with it, so he gave in to Emma. Phill knows he messed up, but would rather go on with his life than face what he did. He got the house, got rid of the wife, has the new squeeze, and hangs with a new crowd, so he can keep up the pretense that he was justified in ruining his wife’s life.  Suckered by a 17 year old.  Pretty tough for a MENSA eligible fellow to swallow.

Marriage1985One of the things Phill left me in the storage unit was this cross stitch sampler that I made in 1985. It hung in our bedroom. I’m not sure why in the world Phill would think I wanted it. Maybe I should send it to Emma and Tyler?

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If you are new to this blog, you may want to read the posts “In a Nutshell” or go to July 2012 and read “Sending out a Letter.” My daughter Emma Katherine Roey, now Emma Buchheim, lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story.  Emma and her husband, Tyler Buchheim now live in California where Emma has a career in sales.  Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.

 

May 14, 2017

Mother’s Day

motherpin

This is my 7th Mother’s Day without my daughter. I had 16 Mother’s Days with Emma, and actually the 16th was pretty lousy, so I really had 15 good Mother’s Days with my daughter. It was just before that 16th Mother’s day,of 2010 that I had had told my sister in Ct. about Emma’s accusing the priest of sexual molestation. I think that was about the time Emma really began to hate me. I remember picking her up in the car and telling her that I had spoken with her aunt, and Emma was so furious she wouldn’t even speak to me. We were planning a trip to go visit, and my sister and brother-in-law would know something wasn’t right, so I felt I had to tell them. Emma’s control-freak, micro-managing mother was taking things too far, talking to police, counselors, family, friends, etc. The snowball was rolling down hill and picking up speed. All Emma wanted was attention, and she didn’t want the church, the police, the therapists, DFACS, multiple therapists involved. Well, actually, Emma did like some of the attention. She just wanted to pick and choose which attention she received. She loved her hour with the therapists where she had their undivided attention all focused on her for an entire hour. I remember when Emma was middle school age, and Phill kept calling her a drama queen. I thought he was overreacting a little bit to what was a typical pre-teen girl. Maybe he was, but it turned into what Phill used to call a “self-fulfilling prophesy” and Emma became that drama queen that he so often said she was. (And on the flip side, Phill became that dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks-dad that Emma always claimed he was.)

Mother’s Day was usually a quiet holiday in our home. We didn’t do big exciting gifts. Phill might get me some flowers and take Emma out to get me a small gift. That was fine. It was more the attention from Emma, when she was little, that made it a special day. She would hug me multiple times in a day and tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” over and over again. That was what made is special. Or just doing something together was what made it special. Phill might cook me dinner, and do the clean up, and that was a nice treat as well.

I was pretty disappointed in my 2016 Mother’s Day. Emma wanted to play for the Mother’s Day Fashion show after church. She loved all the attention she got for playing the piano, and that was fine. All I had asked for was that afterwards, we have an afternoon at Ft. Yargo, the local state park. I didn’t assume I would have to spell it out, but what I’d meant was a hike and a cookout at the park. For whatever reason, Phill was particularly dense and didn’t bother to get things together for the cookout, and Emma was sulky and sullen, a total non-joy for the afternoon, although at times, she’d put on her fakey smile and pretend like she was enjoying the day. My mother’s day gift from Emma was some candy from the dollar store. No thought or effort involved. I don’t think Emma even got or made me a card that year. Yep, definitely not a banner day.

If you have teenagers, you know how self-centered they can be, and I sure felt like an afterthought, but I knew that was typical for a kid Emma’s age. Occasionally, she could be so sweet and thoughtful, and then on a special day like Mother’s Day, Emma went to absolutely no trouble at all. I was disappointed, but thought that was a typical teen. There were other times, when Emma did something special for me, or was out and brought me home a little something when she was out, which showed me she did think of me, or did appreciate me. One of the sweetest things Emma ever did was to be nice to me when I had a migraine.

I suffered from migraines for years and would go lie in the darkened bedroom with the pillow over my eyes, and Emma would come in and hold my hand and always want to make me a cup of tea. Often times, I was nauseated and really didn’t want the tea, but Emma loved to do it for me, so I took it and thanked her and sipped on it. It was those things she did with love that meant so much to me.

Mother’s Day is difficult for a lot of women, and men too. Some people have lost their mothers. Some couples struggle with infertility and don’t know if they will every be parents. Some mothers have children far away in the military, or in prison, or just far away in another country. And many mothers have children like Emma, who are estranged or mentally ill or on drugs. The internet makes the world a very small place, and I’ve found that many mothers (and fathers) are dealing with the same thing that I have endured for the last 7 years.

I’m sorry Emma has turned out like she has, but I still had the joy of being a mother. The first few years were amazing. How I adored my precious little girl. When she was a baby, it seemed like whatever I did, I did with her in my arms or on my hip. When she was preschool age, I was still the one she wanted to help her with things or to kiss her boo-boos. It’s funny how you go from being that “My mom can do anything” kind of mom to the “My mom is so stupid” kind of mom in the blink of an eye.

In Emma’s case, I think homeschooling was a mistake. Someone pointed out to me that Phill and I didn’t want to see that there was a problem with Emma, and we didn’t realize how much she lied. This person mentioned that other kids would have caught on to Emma pretty quickly and she wouldn’t have been able to pull off a lot of the lies that she did. Kids her own age would have been a lot more savvy than her parents who were blinded by the love for their daughter. Of course, that has also made me wonder if it could have made Emma even worse, and maybe she would have turned into an even better liar had she attended school and been around other kids, some of who were probably just as devious as our sweet Emma.

But, for some people, homeschooling is amazing, and I did get to see some glimpses of that. It was amazing to see Emma grow and learn, and when she really was interested in a topic, seeing her research it on her own. Homeschooling sort of opened up the world to teach one that we are learning all the time, not just until 2:45 when school lets out.

I know for some kids, pulling away is normal. Just before going off to college, kids can be so obnoxious and unpleasant, that the parents want them to go away, and it helps the kids to break away and become more independent. Of course, most kids don’t go to the extreme that Emma did, lying about sexual abuse, accusing a priest, making up stories about a fake suicide attempt, lying about a friend’s mother’s illness, lying about her own mother…

I was reading some books recently and wondering if Emma had read them. We used to have a lot of good discussions about books. I miss that. Other times, I think how I was that boring “mom” and I was just a mom, the lowest of the low in Emma’s eyes. I’m lucky now that I have job I like, and working with the public, I definitely acquire some stories about work, and I miss being able to tell Emma about things, like when I worked at Master’s Academy and we would talk about our classes. Sometimes something will happen at work and I’ll think that instead of that boring introverted mother, Emma might actually think I was cool, and maybe now she wouldn’t look down on her ol’ boring mother. I wish we could talk and I could hear about her job selling insurance. How did she choose to go into this field? It’s a long way from the pediatrician my little girl wanted to become, not that that’s a bad thing. Most of us don’t choose our career when we’re in the 2nd grade. I would love to know how Emma became an insurance agent? Did she finish college or does she plan on it? I’m assuming Tyler is working on his Master’s, only because I’d always heard that you couldn’t really do much with a B.S. Architecture, even from a school like Notre Dame.  Does Emma like her job?  She does have the personality to make a good salesperson, I think.  I would think all her drama classes would contribute to convincing people to buy insurance too.

I was also thinking lately about how lucky I am that at least I know Emma is not alone out in California. She is married and with Tyler, so it does give me some comfort knowing my daughter is not in this big bad world all alone. I’ve known several people who are or were the parents of addicts and often (sometimes for years) had no idea where their children were or if they were even alive. As bad as this whole experience has been, I know it could be worse. At least I know Emma’s safe and not living on the streets somewhere.

So, for all you Mothers out there who are the parents of those “nightmare children,” just know that you are not alone. We may life in the shadows, because we have that child that we can’t brag about, and we are that mom that no one wants to be, but we are still moms, and just because our baby has taken a very bad turn, they are still our baby. Some kids will turn their lives around, and give their mom that happy ending. Others will go on whatever destructive path they have chosen, and they may have broken your heart, but you’ve survived. We mothers are a tough bunch.

Collateral

Lots of Love to you, dear readers. You can contact me through the website or e-mail me at losingemma@gmail.com

 

 

Pretty Little Liars

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If you are new to this blog, you may want to read the posts “In a Nutshell” or go to July 2012 and read “Sending out a Letter.” My daughter Emma Katherine Roey lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story. Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.

Pretty Little Liars

happening52

Emma at a teen church retreat called Happening 52.

I never knew much about liars and lying. I guess I never thought much about lying being a disorder. I thought people lied to get what they want, but never thought about people NOT being able to stop themselves from lying.

I know someone, a friend of a friend, who is a liar. I don’t know this man well, but he’s a pretty nice person. He will drop what he’s doing to help a friend, and when I needed something, he dropped everything to help me one day because another friend called him, and I hardly even know the guy. The odd thing about this man is that he is a liar. I don’t think he means to lie, it’s more like telling stories. He starts talking, and they just come out. His lies aren’t mean. He doesn’t talk badly about people. On the contrary, I remember one story he told about someone, and the story was very complimentary and positive, just not true. Everyone that knows this man knows how he is. You take what he says with a grain of salt because it’s probably not true. I suppose if I spent any time around this man, his stories would get on my nerves, but he’s harmless. I know he’s lost friends who got tied of his lying, and I don’t understand it, but it’s just the way he is.

Over the years, I’ve thought a lot about Emma’s lies. I wondered if Emma knew she lied or did she even know what came out of her mouth. I’ve wondered why Emma lied. Some lies were a means to an end. Emma had a plan and lied to get her way. Other lies were just stories about people. They were typically negative stories, maybe to make Emma look good. Just about everyone Emma knew at school was sexually active, drinking, or using drugs for example. Emma’s friend, Kayla Benifield Weaver, was a good enough friend to want Emma in her wedding, and yet Emma told so many lies about Kayla’s mother, grandparents, boyfriend’s family, etc., and these were mean, hateful lies. Kayla’s mother and her (then) boyfriend were drunks and kept the girls out all night at a sports bar, Kayla’s grandfather was a racist, white supremacist, Blair’s little sister had medical issues and his parents expected Kayla and Blair to have her live with them once they got married……….. And then there’s the whole “Lacey” story. How does a pen-pal turn into a rape victim and attempt suicide? Why would Emma make up these stories?

Those are some of the big lies, but there were many little lies. Emma would have barely met someone and lie about them. I think one I mentioned before was a new couple at church with two little girls, and Emma claimed that the girls were his by his first marriage, and the wife was the stepmom. Emma told me this story when she was in 9th grade and co-teaching Sunday school with an adult teacher. Why would Emma make this up?

Emma was in 9th or 10th grade when a friend called and I was out of town. Emma claimed she had this great, long conversation with this friend who was talking about the state of the world, and I don’t even remember the bizarre story Emma told me, other than it was something about white supremacists and how this friend told Emma she would need to keep some blonde hair dye under the sink so she could become blonde. At the time, I was out of state, visiting a friend who was dying of cancer, so I really didn’t care much or think much about this story, but of course now I wish I’d done more to call Emma on her lies..

Why, when a couple of friends so generously took Emma to the Cirque Du Soleil, would Emma say they talked all through the show and that people kept turning around staring at them?

When Emma went to Haiti with a group from Eternal Hope in Haiti, she came back with many stories that I have to question now, but she also told me about a friend of ours who asked her why she would go down there to help ________s (the N-word.) This friend was proud of Emma for wanting to help people and never said any such thing.

I’ve heard people describe Emma as pathological, antisocial, a compulsive liar, borderline, delusional….. but I have to admit, it’s been a long, long time since I took Psych 101 in college, so I didn’t really know what any of these meant, so I will share with you a little about what I’ve read on lying liars and the liars who tell them. I’m not even sure the so-called experts agree on the terms and their meanings, but here are a few things I’ve found:

A Sociopath

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused—it is done to get one’s way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways.

Compulsive Liar

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit—an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship.

Site: truthaboutdeception.com

Could Emma be both? I definitely see some of the sociopath lying in Emma, but there were other times where Emma just seemed to lie without thinking, sort of like the man I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Emma lied as easily as she told the truth. At home, Emma frequently lied especially if you asked her if she’d done a chore. The answer was always yes, and more often than not, that was a lie. I thought that was normal kid behavior. What kids likes to do chores? Or did Phill and I miss something by not catching on to all the little harmless lies Emma told.

Pathological Liars

Pathological liars lie with what might be called “intent”. They have a clear purpose or aim they hope to achieve through lying. They can be manipulative and cunning and normally care little for the opinions or feelings of others. Pathological liars simply want things their own way.

Compulsive Liars

A compulsive liar is someone who has little or no control over the lies he or she tells. Lying, for them, is habitual and constant. They may lie about anything and in any situation. They lie to avoid the truth, perhaps because they find telling the truth uncomfortable.

It appears that low self-esteem is a significant factor in the development of a compulsive liar. The condition may be developed whilst in childhood and in most cases, compulsive liars are relatively harmless. They lie habitually and may be aware of doing so, but find themselves unable to stop.

Site: Steadyhealth.com

Again, Emma seems to be both a pathological and a compulsive liar. The pathological liar goes along with the sociopath liar. So many times I felt like Emma lied as easliy as she told the truth, and that seems to fit the compulsive liar definition.

Then, I found something interesting about Genetic liars:

In 2022 geneticists made a remarkable discovery. Among people who are just incapable of telling the truth, one in five is a congenital liar. That is, their constant lying is the result of a specific genetic defect.

Site:http://www.cs.wcupa.edu/epstein/Default.htm

Could Emma’s lying be a genetic disorder?

And a little more information, this website lists five types of liars, and if you read the first section about Sociopathic Liars, you will recognize Emma. I could write pages and pages about how this definition applies to Emma.

Sociopathic Liars

Sociopaths are defined as someone who lies continuously in an attempt to get their own way, without showing care or concern for others. These individuals are goal-oriented.

Even though it might seem hard to believe, lying is focused – they are focused on getting their own way. Sociopaths don’t have a lot of respect or regard for the feelings and rights of others. They tend to be charismatic and charming, but they will use their exceptional social skills in a self-centered and manipulative manner.

Compulsive Liars

Compulsive liars are defined as someone who continually lies from sheer habit. Lying tends to be their normal manner of responding to any questions from others.

These individuals will always bend the truth, regardless of how small or large the question is. For these individuals, telling the truth doesn’t feel right. They are uncomfortable whenever they tell the truth, while lying makes them feel right.

Compulsive lying is often thought to manifest during childhood, due to being put into situations and environments where lying became a necessity. Most of the time, compulsive liars aren’t cunning or manipulative, rather they only lie because it has become such a habit for them.

This automatic response is more difficult to break. It can end up taking its toll on being able to maintain a relationship. Many people also call these individuals pathological liars or habitual liars, but they all mean the same thing.

Occasional Liars

Occasional liars are those who seldom tell a lie. When they do, they are so blown away by what they said that their guilt overcomes them. These individuals are quick to ask for forgiveness from the individual that they lied to.

Occasional liars might not be perfect, but they are often respected for their attempts at being truthful and humble enough to admit when they are wrong.

Careless Liars

Careless liars will go about their normal lives and lie every way they can. This individual isn’t concerned about trying to hide their lies or making sure they make sense. Everyone knows that the person isn’t being honest because they tend to be sloppy with their lies. They don’t have a lot of friends because most people get tired of hearing their twisted stories.

White Liars

People who tell white lies don’t usually think of themselves as true “liars”. They justify their white lies as harmless, or even beneficial, in the long term. They will sometimes tell only part of the truth, and not be suspected of lying at all. White liars may use their lies to to shield someone from what they believe is a hurtful or damaging truth.

Sadly, lying is a common denominator in many of our lives and recognizing some of the different types might just help us in dealing with the liar in our lives.

http://www.compulsivelyingdisorder.com/

So, dear readers, this is just some information for you about lying and liars. I know a lot of my readers know Emma, so you can read for yourself and make your own decision about what kind of liar you think Emma is. As for me, I still don’t know. Yes, as much as I hate to say this about my own child, I do think she’s a sociopath. I would like to think of that happy ending for my child, that she’s going to have a happy, normal life, that she can function as a responsible adult, that she will learn from her mistakes and grow into a better person, but I don’t think those things will happen for Emma. She’s never going to grow up and take responsibility. Everything wrong in her life will always be someone else’s fault.

Sadly, I think Emma’s husband will figure Emma out sooner or later. Tyler may be blinded by love right now, but as smart as Emma is, I don’t think she will be able to pull the wool over his eyes forever.

Is there help for Emma? There seems to be a number of opinions about that as well. If Phill and I had caught on sooner that Emma had a problem, could she have gotten help for her lying? Is it too late? Someone said to me that at the age of 16 a person’s personality is pretty much formed. Emma is what she is.

I feel like Phill and I owe the world an apology for our daughter. At one time, I thought we were raising a decent child who would make the world a better place. I guess when mental illness (or a personality disorder, but that’s for another post) rears it’s ugly head, all bets are off. Like the alcoholic, Emma can’t be helped if she doesn’t admit she has a problem, and it could also be something beyond Emma’s control. She is what she is, and being a liar may be as much a part of her as her blue-grey eyes or her light brown hair.

Just Some Thoughts–Lying and Other Things***** (Updated 11/1/15)

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If you are new to this blog, you may want to read the posts “In a Nutshell” or go to July 2012 and read “Sending out a Letter.” My daughter Emma Katherine Roey lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story. Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.

One of my favorite photos of Emma on a ride home from N. Ga. She woke up like a sleepy little drunk.

One of my favorite photos of Emma on a ride home from N. Ga. She woke up like a sleepy little drunk.

I love the above picture of Emma. Every mother remembers their little ones waking up like a sleepy little drunk. We’d been up to visit a friend in N. Georgia, and Emma crashed in the car on the way home after a busy day. She was so cute when she woke up. You can see she’d had some chocolate at our friend’s house, as some of it was still on her face.

I appreciate your thoughts and e-mails. I have to say to the person who sent me the youtube idea, it’s definitely something that hadn’t occurred to me. I had to laugh when I got the e-mail, but you had some good points and I will give it some thought. I have just been very busy this past month, and haven’t had time to sit down and write, but thank you for your concern. I am by no means finished.

And a note to Emma: Yes, you and your dad were my life, but believe it or not, I’ve managed to go on with my life without you. I still love and miss you, and will continue to think of you and pray for you everyday. Sometimes, I do something fun, and wish you were here to share the experience or I could call you and tell you about it. Sometimes I read a book and think you would like it, or a movie, etc., etc., etc. Sometimes I think, “Wow, Emma would probably like me now.” if you can ever forgive me for the sin of just being your mother. Sorry I wasn’t the one you wanted.

As for Mr. and Mrs. Emma, I will get to that later. As you know, marriage records are public, but I am still looking into some things, so not ready to write about that just yet. I have a lot of Emma’s back story to get to.

Something that I’ve been wondering about lately is lying and children. Are there some signs that Phill and I missed when Emma was little? Every child lies, so I never thought any of Emma’s stories, even the doozies were abnormal.

One story that’s been on my mind is a story about a girl named Coral whom Emma knew from church. The girls were about 3 years apart and I believe when met Coral and her family when she was in kindergarten and Emma must have been in 3rd grade or so. Later on, when Coral was in middle school, Emma liked Coral, and called her her “little sister,” but it did not start out that way. Coral liked Emma right away and wanted to sit with us at church, follow Emma around, etc. Emma did not like Coral, and since they weren’t in the same Sunday school class or the same activities, she didn’t have to see her much, and since she wasn’t exactly nice to Coral, Coral made other friends and was just fine.

Emma was in the Children’s Choir at church, and once Coral hit 2nd grade, she joined the choir, too. Emma complained frequently about Coral, and I did the usual, “Just be nice……” kind of mom-speak. One day, after choir, Emma told story after story about Coral. I can’t even remember most of them now, but I wonder what Emma was trying to do, keep trying out stories until I fell for one? Kind of like politicians who keep spreading stories about their opponents/enemies until people hear it so much, they just go along with it. Emma’s stories about Coral were so silly and unbelievable, I immediately told her that what she said sounded crazy and I was sure it wasn’t true, and I didn’t give it much thought afterwards. The one story I do remember was that Emma was all indignant and claimed that Mr. Richard, the choir director, paid Coral $20 for behaving during choir, and that wasn’t fair! I may be the dumb mom, but I was pretty sure this wasn’t true. I argued with Emma, and she kept telling me that it was true. I said there was no way Mr. Richard would pay someone to behave during choir. I was sure if there was that much of a problem, he would talk to the parents and/or ask the child to leave the choir. The only thing I could think of, I suggested to Emma, “Maybe he bought some girl scout cookies or something and owed Coral some money for that.” and then I let the argument drop and didn’t discuss it anymore. Emma kept going on about it on the ride home, and I just told her I didn’t believe that. It was such a silly story, I certainly wasn’t going to ask Mr. Richard or Coral’s mother about it, but maybe I should have and perhaps that would have stopped Emma in her tracks. I just let it go.

Emma did something similar involving her friend Rob. Phill had taken Emma to her youth group who was meeting at the church parking lot. He got out of the call for a few minutes, and Emma went off from the group and called me, saying that her dad was acting ridiculous, doing all this silly stuff, trying to fist bump Rob, making a fool out of himself trying to be part of the group and embarrassing her. Huh? This did not sound like Phill at all, and when he got home, I asked him about it? He pretty much said, “What are you talking about? I said ‘hi’ to Rob and shook hands with him and that’s all!” Why did Emma have the need to make up a story about her dad trying to fit in with her friends.

Frequently, when Emma had a friend over, she would tell them, “I was an evil little kid…” and then tell some story about something she thought about as a child. I always thought this was silly, like Emma was trying to make her life sound much more dramatic than it was, but I figured she’s a kid, and if she wants to say that, fine. I wasn’t going to interrupt and say, “No you weren’t!” Now, if Emma wants to say she was an evil teenager, I might not argue with her there.

Much more to come……………