My daughter Emma Katherine Roey, now Emma Buchheim, lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story. Emma and her husband, Tyler Buchheim now live in Frisco, Texas where Tyler, who has put architecture on hold, is studying to be a Full Stack Developer at the Flatiron School in an effort to avoid a midlife crisis (according to Tyler). Emma works in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area as an insurance underwriter. Emma and Tyler are the parents to two little dogs, Arya and Sansa. (Emma is a huge Game of Thrones fan.) Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.
Happy Birthday Emma—— #24!
Wow! I was writing last week in anticipation of Emma’s birthday, and then it almost slipped by me! December 19th used to be the most special day of the year to me, the birth of my baby girl (December 19, 1993). You look at your child growing year by year, and can’t imagine your life without her, and her birthday is kind of like Christmas, a day to remind you of this very special gift you were given. I remember, as I got older thinking how it is such a short time that we have our children. You give birth and raise them, and they are so all consuming that they take up your entire life, and then, if you raise them right, they spread their wings and go out on their own, and then when you think about it, we really only have our children for maybe 1/5th of our life, and then they have their own life. Then, the time we have with them seems so short. In an ideal world, that’s how it is supposed to be, and even though Emma has done some horrible things, she’s still my little girl, and I’ll always love her. Here’s the post I wrote last week:
I’ve been thinking about Emma’s upcoming birthday and her turning 24 years old. Not too long ago, I was shopping for a birthday card for a friend and saw one that made me think of Emma, and that reminded me of a card I had wanted to purchase for Emma a few years before.
On Emma’s 18th birthday, I wasn’t going to contact her lest she take out a restraining order, and, per my attorney, she’d asked Phill’s attorney, Seith Eisenberg over and over again about getting a restraining order against her mother. Then, when Emma knew I would be at a ladies’ bible study group, down the street from our Buck Trail, Hoschton home, Emma called the police and claimed a car that looked like her mother’s pulled up in the driveway! (It was dark when she made the claim, and from the house you would only be able to see headlights, so she wouldn’t have been able to tell what kind of car it was if indeed someone pulled up in our driveway, but since people frequently did turn around in our driveway, it’s possible that it did happen. Fortunately, I suspected Emma might pull something like this and had friends follow me into the neighborhood and follow me out so that I would have witnesses if Emma tried to claim something even worse happened.) Oh, noooooo, I sure wasn’t going to send my daughter a birthday card, but I happened to be card shopping one day in December of 2011 and saw the card I wanted to send Emma. It was pink and had a Chihuahua on it, right up Emma’s alley. (Although, oddly enough, I took our little Chihuahua with me when Phill had me thrown out of our home, and Emma never asked about him, up until his death, and one of the reasons we adopted the little guy was because Emma wanted a small dog so badly. Odd that she cared nothing of him once hie was gone, but Emma now owns tow chi/mixes, Arya and Sansa.)
Emma Roey, Emma Kate Roey, Emma Katherine Roey, Emma Buchheim, Emma Katherine Buchheim, Emma Kate Buchheim
That card I wanted to buy Emma, the old Emma, the Emma I thought I knew, was pink, with a chihuahua on it, and on the front it said, “I smile because you’re my daughter.” and when you opened it up, it read, “I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.” Ok, if you’re on any kind of social media, you’ve probably seen this meme with the word “daughter” interchangeable for sister, mother, etc. I’ve seen it many times since then, but this was the first time I’d seen it and I thought it was sweet and funny, and of course since Emma loved Chihuahuas, it seemed perfect, but I didn’t get it. A birthday card from her mother might be too traumatic for 18 year old Emma.
It never fails, around the holidays, I find something I would like to get for Emma, and I remember back in 2011buying some earrings I wanted to give to her, and I’d read the book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson Ph.D. and thought Emma could use that book, sort of like a book of devotionals, just something you pick up once a day or so to remind you what’s important in life. I also found a purse that I thought Emma would love. It was quirky and cute and just reminded me of Emma in one of her silly moods.
Now, several years later, I have no idea what Emma likes. Is green still her favorite color? Did she ever learn to eat anything at the Chinese restaurant other than egg drop soup and sesame chicken? Did she ever try anything at the Mexican restaurant besides a cheese quesadilla? Did she ever learn to like any vegetables besides green beans and corn? Living next-door to a vegetarian for several years, I learned a lot about cooking vegetables, and I would love to tell Emma to learn how to roast her vegetables, and maybe this year I would get her a hot air fryer as I got myself one and I love cooking vegetables with it. I wanted to tell Emma that Brussel sprouts are now my favorite after hating them for 50 years. Emma and I used to make a lot of noise when we’d come home and Phill would have microwaved these nasty noodle-type pot stickers that were gross and smelled so bad. Even now, I’m not sure I would like those nasty things Phill used to make (they were meant to be fried, but there were all soggy and just kind of gross) but I do love brussel sprouts.
Sometimes, I’ll read a book or see a movie and think how Emma would have loved it. I miss our discussions over books, movies, current events. Lately, I’ve been watching A&E’s Scientology and the Aftermath, and it made me more curious about Scientology and cults, and I’ve wondered how people get sucked in to these things that sound so crazy to me, so I’ve watched a few other programs, read some things on line, and am waiting on Tony Ortega’s book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely, which I put a hold on at the library. (Wow, talk about being falsely accused! I’m thankful Emma hadn’t read this book! It would have just given her more ideas on how to frame her mother!) I thought how much I would have enjoyed watching these programs and discussing them with Emma. I remember a conversation we had about cults and religion when Emma was about 15 or 16. I wonder what else Emma watches besides Game of Thrones. I know Tyler is a big Notre Dame fan, so did Emma ever get into watching football? Since Tyler wrote some kind of golf links program, I’m assuming he plays golf, and I wonder if Emma likes golf too? Emma always hated exercise, so I wonder if she ever found anything she likes to do.
Does Emma like her job? Is insurance something she wants to do long term? I would love to know how Emma got into being an underwriter. I would love to have one of those relationships, like my friends have with their adult kids, where I would get a daily text, “Hi mom….” but that is something not meant to be at this time in my life, and I’m really ok with it. Emma is not the person she pretends to be, and she and I both know it, so they only way she can keep up the pretense is to cut out those in her life who know the truth about her.
I’ve also been thinking about how supposedly the brain is mature around age 25, so Emma has one more year to go. As I understand it, the part of the brain that handles rational thought is not fully developed until then, and that sure makes a lot of sense with Emma! I guess in another year, she will be what she will be, so it will be interesting to see how she is then. Looking at all the things Emma’s done, it’s a little scary that she was considered an adult at 18, and yet I know a great group of college kids, and while they are young, I see a maturity in them then I don’t think Emma ever had. Emma knew how to “act” mature, but that’s not the same thing. Was Emma’s “storytelling” just part of her growing up and every story was like a rehearsal for her, a practice of her craft, so to speak? Was Emma’s harmless lying just practice for her version of a “shaggy dog” story?
And what about Emma’s habit of lying? Looking back, I realize Phill and I were way to trusting of everything Emma said, and almost everything Emma said about kids at school, kids a church, her youth group leaders, neighbors, etc. was a lie. Most of these were fairly harmless lies, and Emma could be so convincing, but with so many lies, I wonder if Emma is even capable of telling the truth.
When Emma, my sister, and I went up to the William Holland School in Young Harris, Ga. for a week, I think it was either 2009 or 2010, Emma was trying out her new found maturity. Emma kept putting on this fake voice and talking to people. As her mother, it was really weird to listen to my daughter who did not sound like herself at all stand there and have a conversation with someone. These people didn’t know her, so they didn’t know what she normally sounded like. I just wanted to say, “Cut it out. Do you not know how ridiculous you sound?” but I didn’t say a word. Later on, my sister and I were having a conversation about teens or something, and she mentioned like Emma and her fake voice, and how she was trying it out, finding herself or whatever. Thank goodness that phase was fairly short lived and Emma went back to sounding like her normal self again, but remembering Emma and her fakey voice made me wonder if her lying was just part of her growing up, too, sort of a way to try out things. A lot of Emma’s lies seemed more like attempts to tell a great story. Is that what she was doing or is she really a compulsive or a pathological liar? I guess time will tell.
And of course, there’s Emma’s ever elusive conscience. Does she have one? I’ve heard a couple of people with mental illness say that they wanted to study psychology to figure out what was wrong with themselves. That’s a scary thought. Emma’s therapist, Dr. Genie Burnett, who Emma thought was way cool and understood her so much better than her mother did, grew up with an eating disorder, so was that why she studied psychology? To understand her own issues better? It’s kind of scary to think of these people, who have their mental illnesses or personality disorders getting degrees so they can “help” others. I’ve talked to enough people who’ve told me about their own negative experiences with therapy, so I can’t help but wonder if a lot these “bad therapists” became therapists because they knew they were lacking something in themselves, so they had to study other people. I remember in college, in a psychology class, when our teacher was lecturing and started bawling, and I think it was one of our other teacher, after we told her about this strange encounter, who told us that anyone who works in psychology or therapy she would guarantee is in some kind of therapy themselves. We all thought that seemed to make sense because our crazy psych teacher sure seemed to need some kind of therapy.
Along with wanting to become a therapist herself after her time being influenced by Dr. Genie Burnett (Manna Treatment and Counseling), Emma may have partly been interested in drama so she could learn how to act normal. Someone said that to me once, that Emma doesn’t know how to feel, but she knows what she is supposed feel and she knows how she is supposed to act, and as Emma’s mom, that makes a lot sense. (But if you know Emma, you have to know how loves being the start of the show, so part of Emma’s love for drama is her love for the attention it brought her as well.)
The one thing I wish for Emma is peace. I’m afraid she is a very troubled soul, and I hope one day she gets help, if it turns out she can be helped. As Emma’s mother, I’m going to keep telling her story. If my daughter is going to accuse me of abuse and of poisoning her with DDT, I will continue to call her out on it. Emma knows I will happily take down the blog if she steps up and takes responsibility for what she’s done, but she’s not ready to do that yet. Emma knows as well that my door is always open to her. Well, I guess not literally. I don’t feel like I could safely let Emma into my home without a witness present. Lord only knows what she would accuse me of next. Maybe what I should say is that my phone is always open to Emma should she want to call. I don’t expect to hear from her anytime soon though. She still has some growing up to do.
When I was married, I was very sheltered, which probably wasn’t a good thing for an introvert. My world was Phill and Emma. As horrible as losing my family was, there are a lot of good things that have come out of it since. All those things you’ve heard, like “Life is a journey not a destination.” start to make sense, and I realize the power I have in my own life. I was one of Emma’s victims, but I’m not going to wallow in it. I’m a survivor and a lot tougher than I would have thought. Emma seemed to live in a victim role. The scenery may have changed, but Emma kept playing the same role. For me, going back to work has been and adventure and a learning experience. Working with the public has made me wonder many things. Sometimes I think there may be a lot more mental illness out there than people realize. Other times, I hear stories that would break your heart, and I wish Emma could realize how difficult some people have it, and that there was no need for her to make up all the drama in her life. If she lived the way some people have had to, I wonder if she would appreciate all that she truly had. Phill and I used to say how happy we were that our lives were so boring, while we didn’t necessarily mean “boring” but really just meant that we didn’t have a lot of drama. I hope one day Emma can appreciate a boring life.
So Emma, Happy Birthday, and here’s your card:
Lot’s of Love,
Mom
P.S. Since I probably won’t have another chance to write before Christmas, I want to wish you and Tyler a very Merry Christmas as well! And be sure to tell Sherry, Bob, and Caitlin Merry Christmas from your mother as well.
Losing Emma 