If you are new to this blog, you may want to read the posts “In a Nutshell” or go to July 2012 and read “Sending out a Letter.” My daughter Emma Katherine Roey lied about a friend being raped and attempting suicide, claimed to have been molested by a priest, and then, just as her attorneys were about to file a law suit, Emma accused her mother (me) of physically abusing her and later of poisoning her with DDT. Emma claimed to have a toxicology report to confirm that her mother (me, again!) poisoned her, but would never turn over this report to my attorney. If you read through the blog, you will find many other examples of Emma’s lying. At one point, she even complained about the way her dad touched her and that he called her a “bitch” and a “slut” everyday. (I refused to listen to her when she talked about her dad like that.) As long as Emma continues with the lies, I will tell her story. Love and thanks to all of you who read and have written to me. If you have any questions or comments, please contact me at: losingemma@gmail.com Please continue to share the blog with others.
Trifecta
So Emma, you can see how you were able to play a part in the destruction of your parents’ marriage. By no means do I put most of the blame on you, but Daddy gets a lot of the credit. I was the only one who was willing to fight for my family, and it was two against one, so I didn’t really have a chance. You were a kid, and like I said to you many times, you will say or do anything to get what you want. Of course, even when I said that, I had no idea how far you would go. As your mom, I never wanted to see the worst in you, and it wasn’t until later that I learned some of the very ugly truths about my own daughter.
But no, I can’t blame you Emma. You were a 17 year old kid, backed into a corner, about to be caught in some vicious lies, and you piled more bad decisions on top of the ones you’d already made. You tried to ruin a man by falsely accusing him of sexually molesting you. When that was falling apart, you turned on your mother. You were a kid who did what you had to do to get out of it, so no, I don’t blame you as much as I blame Daddy. After all, he was one of the grownups in this situation.
The trifecta that destroyed our family was made up of:
- Your problems.
- Daddy’s midlife crisis.
- Daddy’s upbringing and his need to just “get along” with everyone rather than face the problem.
I have to admit, Emma, that I thought when Daddy found out about all the lies you told, he would want to investigate further and knowing what a liar you were, and what horrible things you’d done, he would not continue to allow his wife to be victimized by a lying teenager. I thought surely, Daddy would be a man and do what he had to do to right the situation and save our family.
I can’t tell you how disappointed I was in Daddy. He married me for better or worse, only he only couldn’t handle the “worse” part. When things got difficult, Daddy checked out. He just couldn’t stomach it, if you’ll pardon the pun. I don’t have to tell you that I loved your dad. You knew that, and he knew that. I just made a mistake in judgement. I always thought Daddy “had my back” and would be there for me. I always thought Daddy would do whatever necessary to take care of his family. I was wrong.
Early in our marriage, I knew a woman at work who had to make a very painful decision about her husband with Parkinson’s Disease. He suffered with some mental illness that goes along with Parkinson’s and it was becoming very clear that this lady could not manage the care for her husband alone. She was struggling with a very painful decision. If she divorced her husband, he would have more resources available for his care, making less of a hardship on her, but he was her husband and she didn’t want to divorce him. It was such a sad situation, and I remember telling Daddy about it, and his response really surprised me. Daddy said he would want a divorce because he “didn’t sign on for that.” I that was the first time that I thought Daddy was not committed to marriage like I thought he was. For him, it wasn’t a difficult decision. He thought she should just divorce him. What’s difficult about that? Daddy’s reaction bothered me for a long time, and coming from a divorced family, the odds were higher that Daddy and I would end up divorced anyway, but I thought Daddy was different from the rest of his family, and not a quitter.
Daddy is one of the smartest people I know, but he never had a lot of common sense. He knows what a liar you are, but he can’t face it, so he just goes along with it. He is a lot like his daddy in that respect————whatever keeps the peace.
Another thing I know about your dad, after being married to him for almost 27 years, is that he can justify anything to himself. He’s not a stupid man, and there’s no way he doesn’t know what a liar you are. How could he not? He will justify your behavior to himself and he will justify his own behavior. He will just say to himself that what he does is ok, because……………………… (fill in the blank) You can make up any number of reasons. You and I argued a lot, so Daddy can justify what he did and say, “Well, Emma and her mom argued a lot, so it’s ok that I destroyed my marriage.” Daddy’s mother and I didn’t get along, and he put up with a lot in almost 27 years of marriage, so what he does is ok. Daddy will make excuses for you, and for himself, and tell himself that it’s ok that you lied about being molested. You had your reasons. Daddy knows the real victims in our situation are the priest and your mother, but it’s easier to put those things aside and pretend that Emma is the victim. That way, Daddy doesn’t have to deal with the hard stuff.
So, Emma, as you got older, your mom became the competition. You had to beat me. You wanted to be independent and prove you didn’t need a micro-managing, control freak of a mother. I was too much of a hindrance to you. Congratulations, Emma. I concede that you won. Of course, we were playing two different games, and you don’t play by the rules, so you definitely had the advantage, but you did win. I was trying to raise you to be a decent human being and didn’t know that I was in a competition against you. I didn’t know your dad would fall apart when things got too difficult. I knew you had your stubborn streaks, and you could be very difficult. I tried to tell myself when you would be so difficult that as much as I hated arguing with you, it would serve you well and you would be able to stand up for yourself and stand up against peer pressure because you were so stubborn.
I knew you lied a lot, but I thought you just lied like most kids do about normal things. I had no idea how far you had already taken things. I wanted to see the best in you, and thought this was just a part of growing up, the lying, and you would outgrow it. I remember reading James Dobson’s The Strong Willed Child, and hoping it would help me understand you and how to deal with you, but I’m not sure even James Dobson himself would have been a match for you.
The other day, Emma, I spent several hours over at your grandmother’s, whom as you know has dementia. The last few weeks, she has been great, very sharp and we have had some good conversations. Well, I don’t know what happened, but Grandma was very confused and easily upset the other night and I knew I could not win an argument with her. Fortunately, because of my work, I’ve dealt with some people like this and I am much better equipped to handle this kind of behavior than I used to be. Grandma wanted to argue and when I tried to reason with her and explain things to her, she got mad. I knew it was time to shut up, so I just said, “Ok” to whatever she said and wasn’t going to argue, and then she got mad because I said ok and I WOULDN’T argue. Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don’t! If I were someone else, it would be funny, but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s not so fun. I almost said to her, “This is like arguing with a teenager!” but I didn’t. There were several times though, that I thought, “This is like talking to Emma!”
Love you always,
Mom
Losing Emma 